In Layman's terms

 I wish you had not died. Because the death of a youth is a loss, all that potential going down the drain. Also, I had a bone to pick with you and your untimely death denied me the opportunity to do so. It's not that big a deal really. It's just that the issue keeps gnawing at me. I was much younger back then. I wasn't equipped enough mentally to address the situation.   I remember my mother sitting me down and solemnly letting me know of your passing. At that moment I felt nothing. I usually feel nothing in some highly emotional situations. The feeling usually hits after a while. In this case it's been about a decade but I still feel nothing.  It could be because I barely knew you. We were first cousins but we were never really close. Which is why your little outburst surprised me. I simply tried to extend a friendly hand. You did not have to bite my head off like that, in front of people. Could it be that I was out of line? I've evaluated that encounter thousands ...

 I have a tendency to limit myself. There are things that I presume are beyond me. Or, believe it or not, sometimes I don't want to draw too much attention to myself, almost as if I'm a star that doesn't want to shine bright. It's a silly flaw. Because my potential goes untapped because of fear. Fear of having eyes on me, judgement. Fear of failure also to a certain extent. Yet time moves, regrets mount. The visionaries either broke free from these restraints or had no awareness of them. Perhaps they had an understanding of a concept that is too slippery for us the faceless multitudes to grasp. You only live once. And this life is like a mist. It's there for a brief period and then it's gone. Knowing this, understanding this, one then has to decide. To be a wallflower or to rage against the dying of the light. That is the question.

 Tiktok was raving about this movie and the fomo got to me. The snippets looked compelling I just had to witness the full thing. I soon discovered that the movie is basically a thinly veiled porno. Less than twenty minutes in and some lady is choking on a penis. The story is basically about a mafia boss who almost died at some point, in that moment he saw the face of a woman and when he recovered the woman still lingered in his mind. He sought her out and finally finds her five years later when she visits Sicily on Holiday. The girl is Polish. Massimo, the mafia boss, kidnaps this woman and gives her 365 days to fall in love with him. He promises not to touch her unless it is what she wants.  I think the story was ok. They just failed to help it along. They just rushed through some things that could have intensified the movie. For example, I think Laura could have put up a more rigorous struggle. Because it seemed as if she was too comfortable and content for a kidnap victim. ...

 Firstly I'd like to applaud the great casting. I loved how the movie captured the brilliance of each of the main actors without shining the spotlight on one character too much. My faves were definitely Cuffey and Nat Love. Someone said that Jonathan major's smirks could light up a new sun, and they were absolutely right. Danielle as Cuffey displayed the most amazing acting in my opinion. That role took her out of her comfort zone and she grabbed the opportunity to thrive. Music and aesthetics have a huge impact on a flick. Personally my favourite scene in terms of aesthetics was the part where Mary was being led to Rufus Buck in Trudy's saloon. The blue lady dancing to Wednesday's Child was a touch of class. Even in the scene where Buck finally faces NAT love in that room. The aesthetic ruins. The music was intense, deep and true to the theme. I found the genre mix quite titillating. I especially loved the Fela Kuti song used for Trudy and Mary's fight scene. The s...

 I don't want to say that I got lost in the matrix because God is not one to make mistakes. Let's just say making me grow up in a lower middle class setting was a character development move. I've always known that I was destined for a soft life. There are lots of things about myself that are shaky, except for that. It is a firm verity, a constituent of my blood. I believe that the universe is working overtime to bring me to my destiny. Wealth acquired by my own hand with my own skill riding the waves of success on the surfboard of God's grace. I certainly wasn't brought here to spend all my years struggling or just merely surviving. In my lowest moments I entertain thoughts of myself living in a 5 roomed rented house with my husband and kids, a house whose rent is most of my salary. My husband and I working hard, doing our best but still barely getting by. I imagine myself not being able to afford those shoes that I want, having to save for months on end to get that...

 The good days give me the worst anxiety. The song dedications and the banter make me feel all fuzzy and warm on the inside. However, my confidence is a fleeting mirage. I struggle daily to keep it up. It's easier with you because you're so far away. I don't know what I would do if you were here, standing in front of me. I have nightmares about that day. I guess I just didn't expect you to respond, but if I'm being completely honest, I hoped you would. And you did. And you're perfect. Just try not to be so loving and caring all the time, it stresses me out.  It's only me, Allison. I don't deserve all this.

 When I was younger I thought it was a pointless money grab, the bottle. Thanked my lucky stars that I had escaped it's clutch. I wasn't privy to its prowess back then. An anaesthetic for the innermost pain. A silencer of the voices in our heads. A muzzle for the rabid demons harboured inside us.