I wish you had not died. Because the death of a youth is a loss, all that potential going down the drain. Also, I had a bone to pick with you and your untimely death denied me the opportunity to do so. It's not that big a deal really. It's just that the issue keeps gnawing at me. I was much younger back then. I wasn't equipped enough mentally to address the situation.
I remember my mother sitting me down and solemnly letting me know of your passing. At that moment I felt nothing. I usually feel nothing in some highly emotional situations. The feeling usually hits after a while. In this case it's been about a decade but I still feel nothing.
It could be because I barely knew you. We were first cousins but we were never really close. Which is why your little outburst surprised me. I simply tried to extend a friendly hand. You did not have to bite my head off like that, in front of people. Could it be that I was out of line? I've evaluated that encounter thousands of times and I still believe I wasn't. You hated me and I want to know why.
I remember the kitchen went quiet. Everyone stared at me. I did what I always do in such a situation. I swallowed the humiliation as quickly as I could. I locked it in my shame box and returned to factory settings. I couldn't let the embarrassment show. I didn't need any more pity. I already pitied myself enough. Because back then, in cases like these, I'd always assume that I was the one in the wrong.
The other cousins made efforts to be polite to me even though I was passively excluded from the clique. But you, you were cold from the moment you strolled in with your bag slung over your shoulder. I seem to remember you failed to offer a response to my greeting. I assumed you hadn't heard me since everyone was hovering over you. But you did, didn't you? We lived miles apart. We never called each other. What could I have possibly done to offend you?
I was actually excited to see you. We were not close but I hoped we'd grab the opportunity to form a relationship. Being an only child I've always yearned for siblings or sibling-like relationships. At that gathering, we were the only girls in our peer group. I thought we'd naturally drift towards one another. Instead you drifted towards the boys, which was ok really. Because I didn't think you were actively trying to avoid me. It seemed you had a relationship with them.
When I made that joke that evening, I was essentially extending my hand in friendship. Of the 10 plus people in that room you were the only one who seemed to have a problem with what I said. And you left me wishing the ground would swallow me whole. While it's possible (I guess) that I may have struck a nerve, your response was completely uncalled for. You didn't have to do me like that.
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